In our last blog post, we introduced the disorganized attachment style and reviewed the causes. In this post, we will explore what disorganized attachment may look like and how it shows up in our behavior, according to Diane Poole Heller in her book The Power of Attachment.
If you or someone you love has a disorganized attachment style, it’s likely that you may find your own behavior, or theirs, to be very confusing. Heller identifies these six presentations that may show up and offers helpful insight into what may be happening beneath the surface.
Threat orientation- As a result of lack of safety and consistency in childhood, many people with a disorganized attachment style live in a constant state of hypervigilance, in which they are in high alert, bracing themselves for danger, either real or imagined. “Physiologically, when the parts of our brain that are associated with survival are activated in this way, we lose access to other parts of the brain that have to do with connecting with other people,” writes Heller. This may prevent development of strong interpersonal skills and make it difficult to develop healthy relationships with others.
Self-absorption and controlling behaviors- Managing internal chaos and pain can require a lot of internal focus, often causing those with a disorganized attachment style to be self-absorbed. Many of us with this attachment style may also become very rigid in our own lives and controlling of others. This is an adaptation to regain control if something bad has happened to us when we were not in control, but it can be very problematic in relationships, as it threatens the autonomy of others.
Lack of impulse control- Alternatively, people with a disorganized attachment style may often feel that they have very little control in life, particularly in terms of their emotions. Limited control over our emotions can lead to acting out, and occasionally may cause someone to be “overly aggressive, prone to violent outbursts, or chronically angry,” notes Heller.
Ongoing sense of failure- When caregivers routinely use confusing communication and children do not have the tools and support that they need, they often develop a lack of self-worth and a belief that they are a failure. As a result, people with a disorganized attachment style are often reluctant to try new things, as they assume that they will fail. This belief is further reinforced because when we are flooded with fear much of the time, concentration and problem-solving abilities are often impacted.
Internal conflict and confusion- With disorganized attachment, two major biological drives are in constant conflict- we are driven to connect with others, but we are also programmed to avoid danger. Those with this type of attachment style find themselves in constant conflict, and this can often be very difficult for both themselves and those close to them to understand. They may appear open to intimacy one moment, and then become triggered by fear and appear avoidant in the next. Much of the time, they may not have a conscious awareness of why this is occurring, and will not be able to provide an explanation.
Overwhelm and the freeze response- When someone with a disorganized attachment style becomes overwhelmed with fear, they may have a freeze response. People who are in a state of freeze often experience high levels of fear, dissociation and immobility, and may even temporarily lose their ability to speak or hear. A person in this state may appear calm, but they are experiencing a high level of emotional arousal. Going into a freeze response is not a conscious decision, but an unconscious reaction to feeling threatened.
Those with a disorganized attachment style are likely to have endured a childhood of neglect and abuse. These experiences cause deep wounds, but repair is possible. To learn more about your own attachment style and begin the process of healing, check out The Power of Attachment and make an appointment today.
Written by: Kate Loewenstein, LCSW