These days, dating apps are pretty much the norm for singles looking to meet someone special. In so many ways, they’re great. Apps offer the opportunity to come in to contact with so many people who you wouldn’t otherwise meet and it eliminates the awkward first introduction of approaching someone at a coffee shop. It also allows the opportunity to chat and get to know each other a bit before meeting up. Essentially, it’s the most convenient and to-the-point way to date.
Despite this, so many of my clients spend their time on my couch sharing upsetting dating experiences and frustrations that seem to be specific to this day and age, where ‘ghosting’ has become the norm and a hook- up culture creates barriers for those looking for real relationships. It can be a lot of fun, but it can also be painful and discouraging.
I’ve spent countless hours re-hashing dating experiences with clients (and friends). Here are my tips for minimizing the frustrations:
Don’t mind read- We all do it all the time, trying to figure out what other people’s intentions are by making assumptions about their behavior or what they say (or don’t say). But it’s not helpful, because without directly asking someone, it’s impossible for us to accurately identify the meaning behind their behavior. I’ve seen many drive themselves crazy trying to interpret the meaning of someone else’s behavior, only to come up empty-handed and confused. Which leads me to my next tip…
Don’t play the game- In dating, there has always been so much game playing. Technology has made it that much easier, as we are all in constant contact through social media and text. I’ve heard it all. Waiting a certain amount of time to text back in order to appear less interested (and therefore more desirable), sending elusive snap chat messages, ignoring a text but posting on instagram just to let the other person know you’re ignoring them. In almost every circumstance I’ve heard (and I’ve heard many), people are playing the game for one of two reasons. Either they want to send some kind of ambiguous message about how interested they are or aren’t but still want to keep the person hanging around because the attention feels good, or they’re trying to avoid feeling vulnerable. My advice:unless you’re having fun with it, don’t play along. The best communication policy is always to be direct and say what you want. If someone seems to be playing games, either ask what’s up or move on.
Be clear about what you’re looking for- Access at your fingertips to hundreds of singles means that anyone with even a minor amount of interest can spend time doing some online cruising. People use apps to look for casual hookups, to dip their toe in the dating pool and see who’s out there, to look for a serious relationship and everything in between. Before you start swiping, be clear with yourself about what you are and aren’t looking for, and be clear about this with the people you connect with. If you’re looking for a commitment, you can eliminate so much wasted time and heartache by ruling out time spent on someone who just wants something casual.
Don’t take it personally- With so many options available, people seem to be moving on so quickly at the first sign of disinterest. People send mixed messages and disappear without warning. It often leaves people feeling rejected and questioning their own worth. It’s hard not to take it personally, but it’s so important not to. This is a cultural problem. Dating apps have allowed people to forget that there’s an actual person with real feelings on the other end of that smart phone. Believe me when I say you aren’t alone. It happens to everyone else too, and at alarming rates. It’s not you, it’s them.
If you’re on dating on apps, have fun and be safe. Just make sure to keep it all in perspective.
To talk about your dating experiences or process relationship issues of any kind, make an appointment with me today.