Last summer, I wrote a blog about comparative suffering, a term coined by Dr. Brene Brown. Comparative suffering is when we compare our own emotional pain with that of others, and then use that to invalidate our own experiences. This is an issue that comes up with regularity in my work with clients, and it’s become even more present recently.
Many of the people I see in therapy are experiencing some type of life stress or emotional pain. More recently, clients are struggling in different ways as we all learn how to weather the storm of this pandemic. Some are struggling with isolation and loneliness, while others have faced job changes that have led to new financial strain. At the very least, nearly all of us are bored and missing the little things that we used to take for granted.
People regularly express a sense of shame that they aren’t more grateful, acknowledging that others have it worse. They ask themselves how they can feel so badly all the time when they have a nice home, a loving family, a good job, etc.. Since this pandemic started, clients have admonished their own sadness and anxiety with a new type of shame, noting that they should be feeling grateful that they are still employed, that they aren’t sick or that they can avoid putting their health at risk by working from home.
I am often in the position of reassuring my clients that their feelings are valid. Yes, others may be experiencing life circumstances that would traditionally be considered “worse”, but the boredom, fear and uncertainty of this strange time is real. Regardless of how much privilege you have, this is all really hard.
In her book Rising Strong, Dr. Brown notes “Yes, perspective is critical. But I’m a firm believer that complaining is okay as long as we piss and moan with a little perspective. Hurt is hurt, and every time we honor our own struggle and the struggles of others by responding with empathy and compassion, the healing that results affects all of us.”
I couldn’t agree more. All pain is valid and worthy of acknowledgement. Perspective is necessary in all situations. Drop your shame and guilt and seek some support.
For assistance in managing stress related to the global pandemic, make a telehealth appointment with me today.