Mothers are portrayed in society as loving, selfless beings who nurture their children and build their identities around parenting, creating a nearly impossible standard for women to live up to. At a minimum, what we need from our mothers is to feel safe, cared for and unconditionally loved. If they are able to guide and teach us to communicate effectively, manage our emotions and master life skills in addition, we are among the fortunate.
But mothers are just human beings. Like anyone else, they are flawed, and some are not cut out for the job they were assigned. Many adults struggle with identifying how to navigate difficult relationships with their mothers that may be unhealthy, stressful or harmful.
On a day when everyone else is celebrating and posting gratitudes towards their mothers, it can be so hard to know how to feel and how to respond when your relationship with your own mother is tense, or worse.
Four ideas for how to handle Mother’s Day if you have a strained relationship with your mother:
1. Trust Your Gut.
It's important to approach Mother's Day in a way that feels comfortable to you. Rather than making a decision based on guilt or what you think you should do, follow your intuition and do what feels right. That may be a scaled down recognition of Mom, or no recognition at all. Try to approach yourself with compassion. Don't judge yourself. If you are feeling uncomfortable about reaching out to Mom this year, there is likely a valid reason.
2. Keep it brief.
Send a quick text that says something general. "Happy Mother's Day" is more than enough. Keeping it short and sweet will prevent you from having to offer well-wishes that don't feel genuine. Sending a text will allow you to be more in control of any following communication if you want to avoid having a longer conversation.
3. Process your feelings.
Journal or talk to someone else you trust about why this Mother's Day is difficult. Thinking through feelings by talking them out or writing about them can help move uncomfortable energy through your body, rather than holding it in.
4. Avoid social media.
Remember that people are posting their highlights reel on social media. The reality is that most relationships, particularly relationships with parents, are complicated. There will be many declarations of how wonderful everyone’s mother is, causing some to feel triggered and lonely.
Our relationships with our parents are extremely formative and highly influential on how we view ourselves, relationships and the world. Therapy is a great place to unpack the impact of family relationships on how we show up in the world as adults. For support navigating your relationships, make a telehealth appointment today.
Written by: Kate Loewenstein, LCSW