Since sheltering in place, many adults have moved back in with their parents. Maybe you graduated college and moved back in, lost a job and returned to save money, or came to take care of parents who are immune-compromised.

Or, perhaps you’re one of the many adults who were already living with their parents before the start of quarantine.

Whatever your circumstances, living with your parents as an adult can be tough. And quarantine means a lot more time together. At this point, even the most well-adjusted families are getting on each other’s last nerve.

Read on to learn how to set good boundaries that will keep all of you from losing your minds.

1. Set Physical / Spatial Boundaries

This is one of the biggest considerations for folks who are sheltering in place.

Now that you can’t leave to hang out at the library, coffee shop, or gym, you and your family may feel that you’re on top of one another.

My recommendations are as follows:

Assert your boundaries. Make your statement calmly but firmly, and without smiling or laughing for best possible results. Here are some examples:
- “Stop pinching my cheeks. I don’t like it and it hurts.”
- “Do not enter my room without knocking.”

Give realistic time frames, and stick to them! These let your family know what to expect and decrease likelihood of arguments. For instance:
- “Please do not wake me up before 11 am.”
- “I need some alone time. Please do not bother me for the next hour.”
- “Just a heads up, I’ll need at least 30 minutes in the bathroom.”

Be aware of specific circumstances / areas that trigger you, and avoid them when possible. For instance, there’s NOTHING I hate more than running into people in the kitchen, so I adjust accordingly. Dishes can wait.

If you’re dying to get out of the house, offer to get groceries, walk the dog, or even just go sit in the car. While following CDC guidelines, of course. A brief break from everyone could do you good.

2. Set Emotional Boundaries

When you’re home, your parents have more opportunities to give you the third degree about your life, or too much info about theirs.

Assert your boundaries! This might sound like:
- “I don’t want to talk about that right now.”
- “I’m not going to share that with you.”
- “This topic is stressing me out.”
- “That information is private.”

Give them something else. If you don’t want to talk to them about your career, for instance, try talking to them about your most recent blog post, or a movie you just watched. They may just be trying to connect with you.

Be Switzerland. If your family members try to put you in the middle (for instance, “Tell your father when he gets home…”) politely say, “You’ll have to give him that message yourself.” If they want to detail their arguments and problems with you, set a limit there, too. Something like, “I know this is hard for you, but it’s also hard for me to be in the middle. Please find someone else to vent to.”

3. Agree to Disagree

Just because someone starts an argument with you, does NOT mean you have to argue back. If you don’t fuel the fire, it’ll burn out more quickly.

You guessed it! Assert your boundaries. Try one of these phrases:
- “We’ll have to agree to disagree on that.”
- “I don’t want to have this conversation. It’s not productive.”
- “Thank you for your feedback, I’ll consider it.” (Careful with this one… you want it to sound sincere, not sarcastic. Sarcasm is like throwing a log on the fire).

State and implement consequences. If you’re feeling patient, give them a warning about what will happen if they don’t drop it. For example, “If you don’t stop talking to me about this, I’ll go to my room.” Then, follow through with exactly what you’ve said you’ll do. This will make them more likely to take you seriously in the future.

Just leave. If you’ve told them a thousand times before this topic is off-limits, or if you’re just over it, don’t bother with a warning. Just go to your room or for a walk around the block (with a mask on, of course).

4. Find Compassion

This is a tough time for everyone. And even if it wasn’t, compassion is key to harmony in a home.

Self-compassion. If you lose your cool with your family, trust me: We’ve all been there. Give yourself a break. You’re only human.

Compassion for your parents. As much as it may not feel like it at times, your parents are doing the best they can, and they’re probably well-meaning. Finding some empathy for them will help you feel better, too.

For support navigating family relationships and assistance setting firm boundaries, make an appointment today.

Written by: Rebecca Ogle, LCSW