In my last blog post, I introduced the concept of Attachment Theory. Researchers have identified four different styles of attachment; secure, avoidant, ambivalent and disorganized. In this post, we’ll start unpacking secure attachment.
Secure attachment is the ideal. Secure attachment supports healthy, trusting relationships. In her book The Power of Attachment, Diane Poole Heller identifies six factors that can support secure attachment in children:
Protection- We feel taken care of and watched over by our parents. Heller explains “we learn to take care of ourself by receiving appropriate protection early on”.
Presence and support- We have compassionate parents who are on our side. They are present in our lives and they have our backs, we feel that we can depend on them. “Securely attached people naturally seek out support when they need it, in addition to freely offering support to others”, notes Heller.
Autonomy and Interdependence- We develop autonomy when our parents are protective and supportive, but not overbearing, allowing some independence. Heller explains that with this type of parenting, we gain “interdependence- where we can give and receive support and love as well as have our needs expressed and met with true mutuality”.
Relaxation- We are able to let our guard down and be ourselves. Play and laughter are encouraged, while boundaries and appropriate consequences and limitations are also enforced.
Trust- Through our life experiences and parenting, we are taught to believe that the world is an inherently good place and that people are good and well-meaning.
Resilience- Trust in the world as a safe place is essential to developing resilience. When we are resilient, we are better able to ask for and access support, as well as find solutions.
If you didn’t receive this type of parenting and support, you aren’t alone. The good news is that our attachment style is not fixed. Anyone can work towards building a secure attachment. In my next blog post, I will review strategies to build your attachment muscle.
To learn more about your own attachment style and work towards becoming more securely attached in your relationships, make an appointment today.
Written by: Kate Loewenstein, LCSW