In my last blog post, I reviewed parenting approaches that can support secure attachment in children. In part 3 of this multi-part blog series, I’ll introduce you to strategies to develop secure attachment with others. These approaches can be used to build relationships with your partner, children, family members or friends.
In her book The Power of Attachment, Diane Poole Heller identifies these 11 strategies for building secure attachment with others:
Listen deeply- Listen, reflect back to the other person and ask questions meant to promote and convey understanding. Give space before explaining your perspective.
Practice presence- Heller describes presence as “showing up, paying attention, and letting the other person know that we’re there for them with whatever’s going on. It means we do our best to put aside our own worries and concerns and be with them in an undistracted way.”
Attune- Attunement requires listening, presence and compassion. It requires us to understand someone else’s perspective on the world, and also resonate with their feelings. Attunement is empathic concern, reinforcing to others that we are there for them and that they aren’t alone.
Engage in joint attention- Regardless of what you are doing, do it together. Whether it’s watching a movie, working on a project or going on a walk- make eye contact, laugh together, have a conversation about what you are doing.
Maintain contact- Consistent responsiveness is key to secure attachment. This involves maintaining regular connection with the other person, whether through eye contact, touch, texts or spending meaningful time together.
Be mindful of comings and goings- Heller notes that “our attachment systems are sensitive to when people approach us, when they leave and what happens in our relationships as a result of those transitions.” Be intentional about greeting and departing with others, consider creating a ritual in which you hug or tell each other good night or good morning each time you come and go.
Use your eyes- Humans are neurologically designed to communicate face- to- face. Texting, emailing and using social media all have their place, but they don’t foster the type of connection necessary for secure attachment.
Play- It doesn’t matter what it is that you choose to do, but setting aside time to have fun with one another helps to build a strong attachment bond.
Un-automate- Novelty creates attraction in the brain, meaning that the more that we allow for novelty and complexity, the more possibilities we encourage to arise in our relationship, which keeps us interested. Don’t assume that you know everything there is to know about another person.
Repair, repair, repair- Learning to repair conflict within a timely manner is crucial to promoting secure attachment. Apologizing is hard for many people. When someone else approaches you with a gesture of reconciliation, do your best to accept it, rather than focusing on how it felt short.
Attend to the good- Simply put, pay attention to and acknowledge what’s going right.
We aren’t all fortunate enough to have developed secure attachment naturally as children, but we all have the opportunity to develop a stronger attachment style if we are willing to put in the work.
For support developing secure attachments in your relationships, make an appointment with me today.
Written by: Kate Loewenstein, LCSW