In her book The Power of Attachment, Diane Poole Heller offers a deep dive into the variety of attachment styles, what contributes to them and how they show up in our behavior and relationships. In our last blog, we reviewed what an avoidant attachment style can look like in others.
Below is a list of 17 questions that Heller has identified to help assess whether you may have an avoidant attachment style:
Are close relationships difficult for you?
Does closeness cause you to create distance afterward?
Do you find it difficult to relax with your partner in your intimate relationship?
Do you feel inexplicably stressed when people approach you physically?
Is it difficult for you to reach out and ask for help?
Do you have trouble knowing or asking for what you need?
Do you struggle to maintain eye contact?
Do you prefer to work alone instead of with others?
Would you rather be with others or engage in solo activities?
Do you often judge others for not being more self-sufficient?
Do you find emotional and dramatic people annoying?
Which is easier to do: to think about issues that are important to you or to express how you feel about these topics to others?
When you have lost an important relationship in the past, did you feel an initial wave of relief or happiness? Was that relief eventually followed by polar opposite feelings like depression or despair?
Do you prefer relationships with animals or objects over relationships with people?
How important is your career and work life in comparison to your personal relationships?
Do you feel more available and connected to your exes after you break up, when the pressure is off?
Do you feel there’s a perfect someone out there who you haven’t met yet and that it is easier to search for that fantasy bond than enjoy and commit to the person you’re actually with?
If you answered “yes” to many of these questions, you may have developed an avoidant attachment style. Remember that this is not a personal weakness, but an adaptation that you made at a young age to protect yourself from hurtful interactions and feelings of rejection. This style of attachment may be problematic in relationships, but it may also rob you of the opportunity to experience meaningful connection with others in a way that feels safe to you.
The good news is that we are all capable of shifting our attachment style and becoming more securely connected. To learn more about how to challenge an avoidant attachment style and become more securely attached, review the suggested exercises outlined in The Power of Attachment and make an appointment with a therapist today.
Written by: Kate Loewenstein, LCSW