In our last blog post in this attachment series, we outlined the factors that may contribute to development of an avoidant attachment style. But how does this show up in real life?
Below are 8 examples of how avoidant attachment may look in relationships, outlined by Diane Poole Heller in her book The Power of Attachment.
Relational discomfort and isolated sense of self- As Heller notes, the attachment system is under activated for people with avoidant attachment style. Because they learned as infants that attachment is negative or painful, they naturally learn to devalue interpersonal relationships. People with this style of attachment do not reach out to others because they don’t expect them to be there for them. They may have many friendships, but none that involve true emotional intimacy. Sexual intimacy and commitment may be difficult within romantic relationships. Those with this style of attachment are less likely to miss people that they are close to when they are gone, or even feel a sense of relief when they are separated.
2. Dissociation- From their early experiences with isolation and neglect, people with this style of attachment have learned to deactivate their attachment system by withdrawing or isolating. They may have learned to “leave” their bodies through disconnection. People who experience this often distract themselves with activities that promote disconnection from others, such as scrolling the internet, playing video games or watching TV.
3. Difficulty with eye contact
4. Self- regulation and the importance of transitions- People with avoidant attachment style are accustomed to being alone and are often very immersed in their internal experience. For this reason, they may be more likely to respond tersely when they are interrupted, as this can feel abrupt. They may need a moment to take a breath and make a mental transition away from their internal world towards a more relational interaction.
5. Difficulty recognizing personal needs- It’s common for people with avoidant attachment style not to recognize or reflect on the emotional neglect of their childhood. They are likely to be future-focused and to downplay their experiences of neglect. They are also likely to engage in very limited self-reflection and often do not recognize when a need is not being met as an adult, or know how to meet it. They may be more likely to decline help and support from others. As a result of years of self-repression, they may struggle to recognize and empathize with the emotional needs of others, perceiving them as overly dependent.
6. Left brain orientation- Children who grow up with limited support or emotional awareness often become left-brain oriented, meaning that they are naturally very analytical and logical. Their right brain may remain underdeveloped, resulting in a lack of warmth or depth. They may struggle to remember relational memories from their childhood and may be more likely to recall only factual information, such as where they lived or what their neighbor’s name was, without recalling how it felt to live there.
7. Bias toward action- People with avoidant attachment are likely to be very focused on their work and may work best independently, finding teamwork to be frustrating. They may provide limited detail when talking about their childhoods and it may feel like you are pulling the information out of them. This is not because they are intentionally withholding, but that they didn’t learn the value of emotional communication at a young age and have therefore adapted to speaking in more factual terms.
8. Gesture inhibition- People who did not receive nurturing physical connection as young children will often learn to be inhibited in their use of body language that others may use to connect, such as reaching for a hug or leaning in to a conversation. It may feel awkward to greet or approach them, as their body language may not appear inviting.
If you have a partner, family member or friend with an avoidant attachment style, you may often feel disconnected and shut out. It may feel that they can be cold or disinterested in communicating in a meaningful way. The more you try to connect, the more they may withdraw. This can be very hurtful and can make it difficult to establish real emotional intimacy. Remember that this is not personal. Limiting intimate connection is a strategy that people with avoidant attachment learned at a young age to protect themselves from painful feelings of rejection.
To learn more about your own attachment style and the impact on your relationships, make an appointment today.
Written by: Kate Loewenstein, LCSW