In part one of this blog series, I outlined the concept of emotional blackmail, as well as tell-tale signs that you may be a target of this type of manipulation. In this post, I will categorize the 4 styles of emotional blackmail, as identified by Susan Forward in her book titled Emotional Blackmail: When People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You. Although these styles are the most common, there are no rules to what tactic emotional blackmailers use, often switching back and forth between various styles to test out which approach is most likely to yield the intended results.

The 4 most common styles of emotional blackmail:

The Punisher- Punishers are the most obvious style of blackmailer because their use of anger and threats are very direct. They approach relationships from a “my way or the highway” attitude and will often make threats such as “If you do X, I’ll do Y”. Punishers may threaten others directly with extreme anger or more indirectly through use of the silent treatment or withholding. If you don’t meet their demands, common threats of punishers include abandonment, emotional cutoff, withdrawal of money or other resources, or physical aggression.
The Self-Punisher- Rather than threatening consequences to others, self-punishers manipulate by threatening to cause harm to themselves. Common threats include “If you don’t do X, I’ll become depressed, relapse, lose my job, attempt suicide, etc.”. Self-punishers operate within a pattern of crisis in which they present the explanation that you are responsible for the outcome of their well-being. Self-punishers tend to be needy and struggle to take responsibility for their own lives. They play on your sense of responsibility by casting themselves as helpless and casting you in the role of the savior, in which your willingness to meet their needs will determine their stability.
The Sufferer- Sufferers operate from the position that any negative experience that they may be having (feeling sick, lonely, depressed, unlucky) can be easily fixed if you give them what they want (i.e. call more often,offer financial assistance, etc.) . Some suffer in silence and demonstrate their displeasure through body language and other forms of indirect communication, while others may complain openly about their circumstances. Sufferers often do not communicate directly about what they want from us, but rather assume that others can read their minds, taking it personally when we are unable to.
The Tantalizer- The manipulation style of the tantalizer is much more subtle than the others. The tantalizer makes big promises (such as money, career advancement, the perfect relationship), but there are always conditions that need to be met. Many times, tantalizers do not follow-through on their promises once others meet their demands, finding additional excuses to explain why what others have done for them did not meet their criteria.

Stay tuned for the next edition in this blog series, where I’ll explore the 3 most common emotional factors that lead targets to feed in to emotional blackmail.

For more on this topic,I recommend picking up a copy of Emotional Blackmail: When People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward, Ph.D. (1998).

If you think you may be experiencing emotional blackmail or may benefit from assistance setting healthy boundaries in your relationships, set up an appointment with me today. I can help.

Having a tough conversation with a superior at work is something that can make almost anyone feel nervous, particularly if there are strong feelings involved.

Follow these steps to have a successful exchange:

Use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. With any sensitive conversation, it’s always important to be conscious of the words you choose. It’s easy for others to feel defensive when receiving feedback, and language can make a big difference in how your comments are received. Use statements like “I need”, “I’ve noticed”, “It’s important to me that…” and so on. Avoid making statements that start with the word “you”. They can often sound accusatory.
Provide facts to support your point. If you are trying to make an argument to support what you’re saying, it’s important that you have facts to back it up. Be prepared with specific examples, data or other information that can support your point.
Avoid the statement “I feel”. Difficult conversations can bring out all kinds of emotions. In order to keep things professional and prevent the conversation from getting personal or going off-track, avoid discussing how you feel. Stick with the facts.
Be clear on what you want from the conversation. Before entering in to any type of difficult conversation, it’s important that you are clear about your intended outcome. This should help inform how you approach the issue. You may be hoping to receive feedback, reassurance, or some kind of specific change in your circumstances. Be clear on what you are hoping to come away from the conversation with and make sure that your boss is also clear on your request.
Keep it brief. When we’re uncomfortable, it can be easy to become long-winded. As in many situations, less is more. Be direct, say your piece and stop talking. It can prevent you from making unnecessary comments that you may regret later.

Assertive conversations are difficult for many people. For some, this leads to passivity and rarely results in getting our needs met. If you have a hard time speaking up and advocating for yourself, therapy can help to learn these skills and manage related discomfort. Make an appointment with me today.