In the first four blogs of this series, I reviewed the warning signs and behaviors of emotional blackmailers, based on Susan Forward’s book Emotional Blackmail: When People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You . In this post, we’ll take a look at the role of the target’s personality traits that help to enable and bolster the blackmailer’s game. This is not to suggest that the target is in any way responsible for the blackmailer’s abuse, but rather to clarify how our own vulnerabilities may make us an easier target for a skilled manipulator.
Traits that make us vulnerable to blackmail:
The approval junkie- Seeking approval and enjoying the feeling is normal and healthy in moderation. For some, receiving outside validation is the only way to feel secure. When a blackmailer picks up on this trait, it gives them a road map for how to best manipulate us. If they withhold their approval when they don’t get what they want, they can create enough insecurity and discomfort that their target will voluntarily change course to meet their requests in order to feel better about themselves.
The anger avoider/ peacemaker-Most of us don’t enjoy engaging in conflict, but for some, the idea of causing anger and conflict is truly terrifying. They will do anything to avoid it, which means that they don’t speak up about their own needs and don’t challenge others when they feel that they are being taken advantage of. If a blackmailer knows that you will do anything to avoid conflict, it gives them license to behave however they want, because they know that they won’t be challenged.
The blame-taker- Taking responsibility for ourselves is positive and something I certainly encourage. However, it can become problematic when we begin accepting blame for everything, including things that are not our fault. This personality trait fits perfectly into the blackmailer’s plan, because they are already operating from the perspective that if you are unhappy with something that they have done, it’s your problem, not theirs.
The bleeding heart- As Forward notes, empathy and compassion are positive qualities. For some, their sense of pity for others can overpower their sense of what’s reasonable, causing them to be put-out and taken advantage of as they try to support someone else. Blackmailers have a keen eye for someone who will be drawn to someone else’s neediness and support them without question, often playing up their vulnerabilities in order to garner more sympathy from their targets.
The self-doubter- While questioning our own thoughts and keeping an open mind to others’ perspectives can be a strength, it can also become problematic when we are unable to stand firm in our knowledge and beliefs. Since blackmailers are master manipulators, they are often very skilled at revising history in a way that makes us questions ourselves. People who have been gaslighted in abusive relationships are particularly susceptible to this. If a blackmailer can get us to question our own memories and experiences, they can easily re-frame any situation to meet their own needs.
As Forward says, “everyday of our lives, we teach people how to treat us by showing them what we will and won’t accept, what we refuse to confront, what we’ll let slide.” In this way, we are either setting healthy boundaries or inadvertently giving the blackmailer a tutorial on how to best control us. You can set expectations early in a relationship by standing up for yourself, setting limits, confronting the blackmailer’s bad behavior and letting them know that it’s unacceptable.
For more on this topic, I recommend picking up a copy of Emotional Blackmail: When People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward, Ph.D. (1998).
If you think you may be experiencing emotional blackmail or may benefit from assistance setting healthy boundaries in your relationships, set up an appointment with me today. I can help.
