Grief can be absolutely crushing. It’s the type of pain that you can truly only know when you have lost someone who was very important to you. As a therapist, supporting others through their grief is one of the times that I often feel the most helpless, because although support is important, I know that the only thing that will ease the pain is the passing of time. And it’s true, grief inevitably does become more bearable as time passes, but knowing that often doesn’t make the process any easier.
Here are a few of my suggestions for how to manage your grief:
Face it. When the pain of grief feels like too much, it can be very tempting to avoid it. If you don’t acknowledge it, you don’t have to feel the pain. Right? Unfortunately not. In my experience, grief tends to stay stagnant if it’s not addressed. Whether it comes in the form of daily processing or even scheduling yourself a time to have a good cry, grief just needs to be felt. Allow yourself time to sit with and feel the emotions. It may not feel like it at the time, but the recognition and release of these feelings is cathartic and will help to heal more effectively over time.
Stay in touch with your loved one. Okay, hear me out. People have all different kinds of beliefs about what happens when we die, so this won’t be for everyone. But if you believe that your loved one is still with you somehow, either watching from heaven or visiting you some other way, it can be helpful to connect with them. Some people talk aloud, some write letters or send emails, some just think of them silently. If there is some way that you can communicate with the person you have lost, it can help manage some of the feelings of loss. It can be comforting to know that they’re with you and still involved in your life.
Look for signs. Whether you consider it a sign that your loved one is nearby or just an opportunity to think of them, it doesn’t really matter, but there are opportunities all around. It could be the sight of a rainbow, hearing their favorite song on the radio or just having a memory pop in to your head. Taking the time to recognize that their memory stays with you, or feeling that they are trying to connect with you, can be a comfort.
Find a way to celebrate their memory. Some choose to have a formal celebration on the anniversary of their loved one’s death or birthday, while others just take time to think of them on these dates or throughout the year. Something simple like putting up your Christmas tree or going to a sports game in their honor can also do the trick. It’s another way of keeping their memory alive.
Be patient with yourself. Just because the condolences stop after a few months doesn’t mean that you should be moving on by then. The lifespan of grief is long. It can take years to feel more like yourself and even after decades, the pain can remain sharp. It’s true that everyone grieves differently. Don’t push yourself to feel or behave a certain way. Let your grieving process be authentic to your needs.
If you’ve experienced grief and feel like you could use some extra support, schedule an appointment with me today. I can help.