8 Parenting Behaviors that May Lead to Avoidant Attachment in Children

As babies, we are extremely vulnerable. We rely on our caregivers to meet every need. If we are not fortunate enough to have parents who are able to attune to our emotional needs, we will adapt for survival. This may mean that we learn to avoid emotional intimacy or connection, causing us to develop an avoidant attachment style. 

In her book The Power of Attachment, Diane Poole Heller outlines these 8 parenting behaviors that may lead to avoidant attachment in children:

1. Isolation- Children may be left alone too much, or may not get adequate face-to-face contact with their caregivers. 

2. Lack of presence- Caregivers may be physically present, but may be emotionally removed, causing the child to feel alone.

3. Task-based presence- Parents may be present with their children only when they are trying to teach them something. Children may translate this message that they are only valuable if they are practical or functional. 

4. Absence of touch- Children need comforting physical touch in order to be soothed and attune to their caregivers. Those who are not held and rocked as infants may struggle to connect with others later in life. 

5. Emotional neglect- Caregivers who do not meet their children’s emotional needs with a timely and adequate response, who aren’t sensitive to their children’s emotional needs, may prevent overall emotional nourishment. 

6. Expressive dissonance- Parents whose facial expressions, body language and tone of voice consistently do not match their emotional state may cause children to struggle with self-expression. Children may have trouble understanding, interpreting or sending appropriate social cues. 

7. Disrupted Engagement- If either a parent or child is sick or incapacitated in some way, they may not be able to stimulate secure attachment responses in one another. 

8. Rejection- Some children experience outright rejection from their parents, which may have a significant impact on a child’s ability to securely connect with others, particularly if the rejection takes place regularly. 

We all learn to adapt to our caregivers, causing some of us to develop an avoidant attachment style. This is done out of self-protection. If we are repeatedly rejected or ignored, it makes sense that we would decrease our attempts to connect with others. Connecting with others can feel too vulnerable. 

To learn more about your own attachment style and the impact on your relationships, make an appointment today.

Written by: Kate Loewenstein, LCSW