The Emotional FOG: Fear, Obligation & Guilt

In parts one and two of this blog series, I refer to a book titled Emotional Blackmail: When People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward. I outlined the concept of emotional blackmail, the tell-tale signs that you may be a target of this type of manipulation and the 4 styles of emotional blackmail. In this third post, I will describe how blackmailers “get you”, so to speak, by engaging you in an emotional FOG. In her book,  Forward explains how blackmailers play on three predominant emotions in order to create a sense of emotional FOG in their targets. These emotions are fear, obligation and guilt.

How blackmailers create and use the FOG:

1. Fear- Blackmailers observe our body language and take notes on what makes us nervous and what we avoid. They focus on these vulnerabilities and use their manipulation to create fear that they will leave you, stop loving you, fire you, etc. Fear of abandonment and fear of anger are two of the most common and primal fears that many of us hold, and blackmailers will often engage these fears in others to get what they want. Often times, this feels like a significant betrayal to the target, as the blackmailer only has access to this type of insight about our sensitivities as a result of having developed some emotional intimacy.

2. Obligation- Forward describes that we all  have beliefs about how much we owe to others, centered around “ideals such as duty, obedience, loyalty, altruism and self-sacrifice”. These beliefs are necessary to form a moral foundation, but they can easily become unbalanced if we are not able to set and maintain healthy boundaries. Emotional blackmailers will exploit their target’s sense of obligation by overemphasizing how much we owe them, how much they have given up and how much they have done for them. They create an argument that it is our responsibility to meet their requests. Forward provides the following examples:

·          “A good daughter would spend time with her mother.”

·         “I work my ass off for this family, the least you could do is be there when I get home.”

·         “Honor (and obey!) your father.”

This can be particularly difficult to recognize when in fact the blackmailer has done something for their target in their past, as they will often refer back to this kindness many times and use it as an example of why they are owed.

3. Guilt- Blackmailers will use blame and accusations to create feelings of guilt. Whether we actually hurt someone else or not is irrelevant. It’s about creating the belief that we did, i.e. your action caused my feeling. Forward explains that emotional blackmailers expect us to take global responsibility for their issues, often using blame to suggest that it’s all our fault. When engaging the feeling of guilt, there is often no statute of limitations. Blackmailers will refer back to old (real or perceived) transgressions over and over again, regardless of how much time has passed.

Stay tuned for the next edition in this blog series, where I’ll explore the 4 most common strategies that blackmailers use to create emotional FOG in their targets.

For more on this topic, I recommend picking up a copy of Emotional Blackmail: When People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward, Ph.D. (1998).

If you think you may be experiencing emotional blackmail or may benefit from assistance setting healthy boundaries in your relationships, set up an appointment with me today. I can help.

The 4 Most Common Styles of Emotional Blackmail

In part one of this blog series, I outlined the concept of emotional blackmail, as well as tell-tale signs that you may be a target of this type of manipulation. In this post, I will categorize the 4 styles of emotional blackmail, as identified by Susan Forward in her book titled Emotional Blackmail: When People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You. Although these styles are the most common, there are no rules to what tactic emotional blackmailers use, often switching back and forth between various styles to test out which approach is most likely to yield the intended results.

The 4 most common styles of emotional blackmail:

1. The Punisher- Punishers are the most obvious style of blackmailer because their use of anger and threats are very direct. They approach relationships from a “my way or the highway” attitude and will often make threats such as “If you do X, I’ll do Y”. Punishers may threaten others directly with extreme anger or more indirectly through use of the silent treatment or withholding. If you don’t meet their demands, common threats of punishers include abandonment, emotional cutoff, withdrawal of money or other resources, or physical aggression.

2. The Self-Punisher- Rather than threatening consequences to others, self-punishers manipulate by threatening to cause harm to themselves. Common threats include “If you don’t do X, I’ll become depressed, relapse, lose my job, attempt suicide, etc.”. Self-punishers operate within a pattern of crisis in which they present the explanation that you are responsible for the outcome of their well-being. Self-punishers tend to be needy and struggle to take responsibility for their own lives. They play on your sense of responsibility by casting themselves as helpless and casting you in the role of the savior, in which your willingness to meet their needs will determine their stability.

3. The Sufferer- Sufferers operate from the position that any negative experience that they may be having (feeling sick, lonely, depressed, unlucky) can be easily fixed if you give them what they want (i.e. call more often,offer financial assistance, etc.) . Some suffer in silence and demonstrate their displeasure through body language and other forms of indirect communication, while others may complain openly about their circumstances. Sufferers often do not communicate directly about what they want from us, but rather assume that others can read their minds, taking it personally when we are unable to.

4. The Tantalizer- The manipulation style of the tantalizer is much more subtle than the others. The tantalizer makes big promises (such as money, career advancement, the perfect relationship), but there are always conditions that need to be met. Many times, tantalizers do not follow-through on their promises once others meet their demands, finding additional excuses to explain why what others have done for them did not meet their criteria.

Stay tuned for the next edition in this blog series, where I’ll explore the 3 most common emotional factors that lead targets to feed in to emotional blackmail.

For more on this topic,I recommend picking up a copy of Emotional Blackmail: When People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward, Ph.D. (1998).

If you think you may be experiencing emotional blackmail or may benefit from assistance setting healthy boundaries in your relationships, set up an appointment with me today. I can help.

Recognizing Emotional Blackmail

As a therapist, I spend much of my time working with clients to process relationship issues, whether it’s with a romantic partner, a family member, a colleague or a friend. Relationship issues can come in all forms, but one that comes up often is how to set boundaries with people who we feel manipulated by.

In a book titled Emotional Blackmail: When People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You, author Susan Forward reviews the topic of emotional blackmail. I have found this book to be a valuable resource in my work with clients, so I’m offering a multi-part blog series outlining some of the key points in the book.

What is emotional blackmail?

Emotional blackmail is a form of manipulation in which people who are close to us abuse their knowledge of our vulnerabilities to threaten us, either directly or indirectly. If they don’t get what they want, they will punish us in some way. Common examples may be withholding a resource (money, affection, information etc.), threatening to tell a secret or attaching conditions to something that they know is important to us.

Signs that you may be a target of emotional blackmail

You may be a target of emotional blackmail if important people in your life engage in the following behaviors:

• Threaten to make your life difficult if you don’t do what they want

• Threaten to end the relationship if you don’t do what they want

• Tell you or imply that they will neglect, hurt themselves or become depressed if you don’t do what they want

• Always want more, no matter how much you give

• Regularly assume you will give in to them

• Regularly ignore and discount your feelings and wants

• Make promises that are contingent on your behavior and then rarely follow through

• Consistently label you as selfish, bad, greedy, unfeeling or uncaring when you don’t give in to them

• Shower you with approval when you give in to them and take it away when you don’t

• Use money as a weapon to get their way

Stay tuned for the next edition in this blog series, where I’ll outline the most common approaches to emotional blackmail.

For more on this topic, I recommend picking up a copy of Emotional Blackmail: When People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward, Ph.D. (1998).

If you think you may be experiencing emotional blackmail or may benefit from assistance setting healthy boundaries in your relationships, set up an appointment with me today. I can help.

Why We Should All Follow Brene Brown's Advice on Gratitude and Vulnerability

Earlier this week I watched Brene Brown’s Netflix special, Call to Courage. Like anything else she touches, it was thought provoking and inspirational. If you don’t know who Brene Brown is, check her out. She’s incredible. In her special, she shares several very poignant stories from her life experience, emphasizing the significance of vulnerability, shame, courage, joy and resilience in our personal development. There was one anecdote that really stood out to me, because it got me thinking not just about myself as a person, but about how my personal experiences affect my approach as a therapist. It was a concept that I think applies to all of us and how we connect with others.

She said that loving others and experiencing joy are vulnerable by nature, because the more you value something, the scarier it is to recognize that something outside of your control could take it away. It’s why we have catastrophic thoughts about something terrible happening in our lives, even when things are great, or something tragic happening to someone we care about. Even when we’re really enjoying the good stuff, fear can creep in. She also made a connection between vulnerability, gratitude and empathy. People who practice gratitude, and feel grateful routinely for the joy in their lives and the people they love, have a more genuine capacity for empathy. It’s because only when we truly take stock of how lucky we are and how much we value our good fortune that we are able to fully understand someone else’s pain when they have experienced a loss.

This really stood out to me. I practice gratitude daily.  I’m a natural empath. I’m prone to catastrophic thinking. I think it makes me a better therapist. When a client shares with me about loss and sadness, I’m able to understand how they might feel that much more because I’m conscious of how it would feel to experience the same grief. Brown suggested that rather than letting fear take hold when we start to feel vulnerable, we should practice gratitude, to redirect our thoughts to how fortunate we are.

I wonder what would happen if we all took time daily to be grateful. We might all experience less anxiety and become more capable of empathizing with others.

A Therapist Tries Forest Therapy

About 6 months ago, I became obsessed with a concept called forest therapy. Forest therapy (or shinrin-yoku) was originally developed in Japan by Dr. Qing Li, and it’s defined as “bathing in the forest atmosphere, or taking in the forest through our senses”. Before I knew much about it, my understanding was that forest therapy combines two of my passions, nature and mental health. From a very early age, I was raised to appreciate natural beauty and respect the environment. I’ve been fortunate enough to hike in most of our country’s most famous national parks and the idea of learning about how to incorporate nature in to my work with clients really appeals to me.

Benefits of Forest Therapy

In dedicating his career to studying the effects of nature on human life, Dr. Li found that just spending time in forests offers significant health benefits, including reduced blood pressure & blood sugar levels, increased anti-cancer protein production and an improved immune system, to name a few. As a therapist, I was most interested in the mental health benefits, and there are many. Dr. Li has found that spending time in forests lowers the stress hormones adrenaline & cortisol, suppresses our ‘fight of flight’ system, reduces anxiety and improves positive thoughts. Spending time in nature can boost problem- solving skills and creativity by 50%. People who spend as little as two hours in a forest may see a 15% improvement in sleep. One study even showed that people who live on streets with more trees have a reduced rate of prescriptions for antidepressant medication.

My Experience

All of that is really cool, but I didn’t know how you actually DO it. So I signed up for a two-hour, lead forest therapy walk and decided to find out for myself. Some skeptics (such as my friends and family, who are tired of hearing me talk about it) wondered what kind of person would actually pay someone to walk in the forest with them (besides me). As it turns out, there were 15 others who were just as interested as I was. Well, maybe not as interested, but still, I felt validated.

Anyway… so what was it like?

The session was lead by a certified forest therapist who offered us what she called “invitations” to notice things. As she started inviting us to engage our senses and notice different experiences, I realized that we were basically just practicing mindfulness, which is something I try to do anyway. She asked us to close our eyes and notice the feeling of the sun and wind against our skin, the aroma of the trees (one of my favorite smells on earth), to touch and notice the texture of plants and to focus our sight in a variety of different places in order to simply observe the color of the leaves or the movement of a bird. It may sound corny, but it’s backed up by tons of research, so give credit where credit is due. It’s science, people!

I left the session feeling like I had gotten what I wanted out of it; to spend a little time in nature and learn about forest therapy and how to possibly incorporate it in to my work with clients.

The Lasting Effects

Luckily enough, I had a trip to Colorado planned just a few weeks after the workshop. On a sunny 70 degree day, I set out alone for a long hike up to a beautiful lookout spot. Without thinking about it ahead of time, I realized that my experience with forest therapy was influencing how I was engaging with my surroundings. I caught myself stopping to notice the atmosphere a lot more, instead of just powering through the hike. The sky was an incredible color of blue, the trees smelled as good as ever and I couldn’t stop staring at the mountains. For me, spending time in nature always improves my mood and I know how it important it is for my mental health.

I’m working on thinking of ways to incorporate the benefits of forest therapy in to my practice with clients. In the meantime, I challenge everyone to try to prioritize spending time in nature every now and then.

Reference: Shinrin-Yoku: The Art and Science of Forest Bathing by Dr. Qing Li

4 Tips for Managing the Frustrations of Dating Apps

These days, dating apps are pretty much the norm for singles looking to meet someone special. In so many ways, they’re great. Apps offer the opportunity to come in to contact with so many people who you wouldn’t otherwise meet and it eliminates the awkward first introduction of approaching someone at a coffee shop. It also allows the opportunity to chat and get to know each other a bit before meeting up. Essentially, it’s the most convenient and to-the-point way to date.

Despite this, so many of my clients spend their time on my couch sharing upsetting dating experiences and frustrations that seem to be specific to this day and age, where ‘ghosting’ has become the norm and a hook- up culture creates barriers for those looking for real relationships. It can be a lot of fun, but it can also be painful and discouraging.

I’ve spent countless hours re-hashing dating experiences with clients (and friends). Here are my tips for minimizing the frustrations:

1. Don’t mind read- We all do it all the time, trying to figure out what other people’s intentions are by making assumptions about their behavior or what they say (or don’t say). But it’s not helpful, because without directly asking someone, it’s impossible for us to accurately identify the meaning behind their behavior. I’ve seen many drive themselves crazy trying to interpret the meaning of someone else’s behavior, only to come up empty-handed and confused. Which leads me to my next tip…

2. Don’t play the game- In dating, there has always been so much game playing. Technology has made it that much easier, as we are all in constant contact through social media and text. I’ve heard it all. Waiting a certain amount of time to text back in order to appear less interested (and therefore more desirable), sending elusive snap chat messages, ignoring a text but posting on instagram just to let the other person know you’re ignoring them. In almost every circumstance I’ve heard (and I’ve heard many), people are playing the game for one of two reasons. Either they want to send some kind of ambiguous message about how interested they are or aren’t but still want to keep the person hanging around because the attention feels good, or they’re trying to avoid feeling vulnerable. My advice:unless you’re having fun with it, don’t play along. The best communication policy is always to be direct and say what you want. If someone seems to be playing games, either ask what’s up or move on.

3. Be clear about what you’re looking for- Access at your fingertips to hundreds of singles means that anyone with even a minor amount of interest can spend time doing some online cruising. People use apps to look for casual hookups, to dip their toe in the dating pool and see who’s out there, to look for a serious relationship and everything in between. Before you start swiping, be clear with yourself about what you are and aren’t looking for, and be clear about this with the people you connect with. If you’re looking for a commitment, you can eliminate so much wasted time and heartache by ruling out time spent on someone who just wants something casual.

4. Don’t take it personally- With so many options available, people seem to be moving on so quickly at the first sign of disinterest. People send mixed messages and disappear without warning. It often leaves people feeling rejected and questioning their own worth. It’s hard not to take it personally, but it’s so important not to. This is a cultural problem. Dating apps have allowed people to forget that there’s an actual person with real feelings on the other end of that smart phone. Believe me when I say you aren’t alone. It happens to everyone else too, and at alarming rates. It’s not you, it’s them.

   If you’re on dating on apps, have fun and be safe. Just make sure to keep it all in perspective.

To talk about your dating experiences or process relationship issues of any kind, make an appointment with me today.

5 Tips to Support Your Partner if They are Depressed

Depression is extremely common in America and around the world. In the United States, 16.2 million adults have experienced a major depressive disorder in the past year, according to the World Health Organization. For those who have a partner who experiences depression, it can be frustrating at times and hard to know how to help, particularly if you have never experienced it yourself.

Here are my relationship tips for supporting a partner with depression:

1. Educate yourself- If you’re not familiar with the signs and symptoms of depression, it’s important to educate yourself and learn about what depression can look like. Without recognizing your partner’s behavior as a symptom, it can be easy to label them as lazy, irritable or overly emotional. Misunderstanding your partner’s behavior can lead to resentment.

2. Be patient and empathetic- It’s okay to acknowledge that being with a partner who experiences depression can be very frustrating. It can be. People with depression often know what would make them feel better, but lack the motivation to follow-through. This isn’t because they’re lazy. Decreased interest and motivation is a common symptom of depression. It’s hard to watch someone feel terrible without taking the necessary steps to take care of themselves. Try to image how it may feel for them and be patient rather than letting your animosity build.

3. Discuss expectations directly- Just because someone is feeling depressed doesn’t mean that they are off the hook entirely for all responsibilities, but they may not feel up to shouldering their usual load. People often have a lowered level of functioning during periods of depression. Try to collaborate to determine their capabilities. Talk with them directly about what they are able to commit to and what they need extra help with. If they don’t follow-through on their agreement, revisit the conversation to identify what happened.

4. Speak up about your own needs- While empathy and patience for a person experiencing depression is very important, that doesn’t mean that you have to ignore your own needs. It’s okay to say that you’re feeling disconnected, unsupported and frustrated. Just be conscious of how you deliver the message and try to avoid blaming statements. During periods of depression, most people are already feeling worthless. Shaming them won’t help. Although many feel uncomfortable doing so, it’s entirely fair to ask your partner to go to therapy and/or consider medication. While everyone is entitled to make their own health decisions, it’s not acceptable to refuse help when you have a partner or a family who is counting on you. It’s not ideal, but sometimes an ultimatum is necessary to maintain the relationship.

5. Enlist the help of others if you’re concerned about your partner’s safety- If you aren’t a trained mental health professional, you shouldn’t be expected to know how to help when someone is experiencing thoughts of suicide. If your partner references suicide, call 911. Don’t worry if they will be mad at you or question if you’re overreacting. These types of statements needs to be taken seriously and only a trained professional can make the call whether further action needs to be taken. Trust me, you’re doing the right thing.

Supporting a partner with depression can be very stressful and difficult. Seeking extra support for yourself can help. Contact me to make an appointment today.

How to Use the 5 Love Languages to Make This Valentine's Day Extra Meaningful

We all know that Valentine’s Day is a Hallmark holiday created to promote consumerism. But as a couples therapist, I am here to  tell you that you can never go wrong by showing your partner and your relationship a little bit of extra TLC, so if it takes a random day in February to remind you to put in a little bit of extra effort, so be it. For some, roses and chocolates might just do the trick to make them feel special, but for many, their needs in order to feel loved and cared for run deeper.

In his book The 5 Love Languages, Gary Chapman outlines five common behaviors associated with demonstrating love. This concept has become well-known in mainstream American culture and I’m always encouraged when couples that I work with are aware of their own love language and that of their partner. The concept of the love languages is that we each have unique needs in order to feel loved and cared for in our relationships, and often one partner’s needs do not match the other. Personally, I enjoy receiving gifts, but that isn’t my love language, so while I may appreciate the surprise, it’s not going to make me feel cared for.

This Valentine’s Day, I challenge you to think beyond the pink and red stuffed animals you see in the stores and demonstrate your love for your partner in a way that will feel particularly meaningful to them.

So what are the 5 Love Languages?

1. Acts of service- Doing something for your partner that you know they would like, or taking a responsibility off of their plate. This can be anything from bringing them a cup of coffee in bed to emptying the dishwasher.

2. Gifts-Showing your love through material items. This can be something elaborate like an expensive piece of jewelry or something very simple, like a card or their favorite candy bar.

3. Quality time- Spending time together doesn’t just have to mean long walks on the beach and date nights. It can be something simple like sitting on the couch together before bed and talking about your day or running errands together.

4. Physical touch- Sexual or otherwise, physical touch can be comforting and intimate. So many couples let their affection for one another dwindle down to a robotic kiss on the way out the door. Take time for a real hug, to hold hands or give your partner a massage.

5. Words of affirmation- Everybody likes compliments, but words of affirmation should be focused on providing meaningful feedback about how your partner adds value. Tell your partner how much you admire their work ethic, what it means to your family to have them to rely on or how much you enjoy their sense of humor.

Most importantly, choose a way to show love to your partner by choosing a method that is specific to them.

Don’t know what your love language is? Take the quiz here: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

For more support connecting with your partner and improving your relationship, contact me today. I can help.

5 Ways to Reduce the Risks of Marijuana Use without Quitting

As marijuana becomes legal in many states and medical use becomes widely recognized as a legitimate treatment, marijuana use isn’t just for college students anymore. It’s become much more socially accepted in mainstream culture. For many, getting a little stoned after a long work day is a form of relaxation and enjoyment. However, for some, what starts as recreational use can turn in to more of a habit. And while it’s true that the consequences of regular marijuana use tend to be far less disruptive than alcohol or other drugs, habitual users often find themselves struggling with motivation and time management, becoming forgetful and even feeling anxious and paranoid.

Most people are familiar with the concept of total sobriety (the approach taken in treatment centers and 12-step groups), but total abstinence doesn’t work for everyone and many people just aren’t ready to discontinue their use altogether. Another approach to managing marijuana use falls under a term called harm-reduction, in which we look for ways to reduce the harms that any given behavior may have on our lives without discontinuing the behavior all-together. I’m a firm believer in the value of harm-reduction as one option for those who are not ready to stop using marijuana completely.

Below are 5 harm-reduction approaches to managing your marijuana use:

1. Indulge with a specific intention. What are you trying to get out of this experience? Do you plan to just enjoy a little buzz or are you trying to get really high? After each ‘dose’ (inhale, edible, etc.), ask yourself, “how do I feel?”. Do I need more to achieve how I want to feel? Often times, we consume more of any indulgence than intended because it’s available and without thinking, we overdo it. Taking an intentional approach to how much you consume can help reduce unnecessary use.

2. Set a limit on use. Do you know how many passes of the bowl or tokes off the bong it takes to achieve the right buzz? How many is too many? Setting a limit ahead of time for how many ‘doses’ you will consume helps decision-making and the need for judgment in the moment (which can be difficult to maintain when you’re high).

3. Set a time limit between ‘doses’. Make a rule that you allow yourself to have one puff (or one ‘dose’ of whatever you’re using) per hour. This may not limit the number of ‘doses’ that you consume over the course of a day, but it will help prevent you from getting more high than you had planned.

4. Consider the type of instrument you’re using.  These days, there is such a huge variety of ways to consume marijuana; blunts, joints, bowls, bongs, pens, edibles, oils & more. It’s often difficult to control exactly how much THC (the chemical compound in marijuana that gets you high) is consumed in each ‘dose’ and it’s likely that using different instruments will have a different effect on how you feel. Be conscious of the impact of instruments that you are unfamiliar with and proceed with caution.

5. Get the important stuff done first. Many accomplished marijuana users will tell you that they’re very functional when they’re high. Some are. But in many cases, reaction time is slower, memory and thought process isn’t as sharp, and it takes much longer to get things done. In order to prevent marijuana use from affecting your professional life or productivity, make a plan to get all of your important responsibilities out of the way before indulging.

   
   If you are having trouble with managing marijuana use, make an appointment with me today. I can help.

How to Manage the Negative Impact of Social Media

Social media has lots of positive attributes; connecting us with other people around the world, providing a platform to share thoughts and information and much more. I love social media. I use it in both my personal and professional life. But it also has the ability to have a significant negative impact, in a variety of ways.

Three of the most common examples that I often hear from clients are 1) wasting a lot of time scrolling through apps, 2) creating insecurities and the impulse to compare ourselves to others and 3) seeking superficial praise and reassurance through post likes and shares. Consequences from these behaviors can range from annoying to much more serious issues.

Here are 4 tips to reduce and manage some of the consequences of social media use:

1. Set some kind of a limit on the frequency and duration that you allow yourself to engage in social media daily, and then stick to it. Maybe you only get to scroll through each app (or a few of them) once/daily, you set a daily time limit on how long you get to spend in the social media world or you only check it during a certain time of the day, like during your lunch break or on your morning commute. This will prevent you from taking a deep dive and accidentally wasting a whole hour.

2. Post mindfully. What I mean by this is to ask yourself what your intention is before you post. Is it simply to share something for the sake of sharing, to make people smile or share information? That’s great. Be sure to notice when you may be feeling lonely and insecure. Those are times when you may be more likely to post because you’re seeking connection or reassurance. Be aware that the number of post likes you get and comments you receive are not an indicator of your worth. Using them as such often only leads to further feelings of emptiness.

3. Be intentional about who you follow. Don’t follow people or accounts who create feelings of insecurity and don’t use social media to compare yourself to others. If you notice that you consistently feel bad after viewing certain types of posts, unfollow! Remember, all social media is curated and does not represent reality.

4. Take a break. It doesn’t have to be forever, but sometimes taking a break is the best approach. Give yourself time to detox and refocus on other areas of life. If this suggestion seems impossible to you, ask yourself why. What will you miss? What will happen if you don’t post for a while? Be curious about what you uncover in asking this of yourself.

If you found this article helpful, if you struggle with feeling insecure, lonely and comparing yourself to others, make an appointment with me today. I can help.